So, friendship in grad school is kind of funny. Not funny as in ha ha, but funny as in strange. I mean, I know friendships in general are convoluted, messy affairs, but there’s something particular, I think, about being thrust into such an insular environment with a small cohort of peers for at least half a decade (if not longer, ugh).
I moved around a lot as a kid, so coming up on my sixth year living here in SoCal is a bit strange– it might just break my record yet of longest time I’ve lived in one place. But being here as a grad student lends itself inherently to a feeling of permanent transience– grad students, undergrads, faculty, staff are always coming and going. As soon as you meet someone great, that you really connect with, then another person leaves, or you do first. It’s hard to feel rooted in a place when you know it’s a way-station until you find something else to do- a tenure-track job at best, or quitting and moving somewhere else at worst (well, in my worst-case scenario at least).
Which is all to say that the first 3 or so years here were really a struggle. I didn’t feel particularly connected to the folks in my incoming cohort, save a couple, and the folks I first became close to finished up their PhDs and left the area, or had other life transitions and moved on. Being in grad school together definitely makes for a different dynamic between friends- our friendships are at once extremely intense due to the inherent intensity of our shared situation, but can also be distant, because sometimes the work is the only thing that we have in common. Friends I thought I would be close to that were around the same “year” as I was I’m no longer close with, because our “real lives” outside of the shared grad school experience are just too different– it’s been a painful set of realizations to recognize that those I wanted to be close to at one point are not necessarily the people that will be there for me when it gets tough, or that I feel invested enough in to care about, either.
I’m happy that at this point, my close friends here are folks I would actually consider “friend-friends” and not just “school friends.” I see myself being friends with them long after we leave grad school, and I look forward to working with them professionally as well as continuing our personal friendships. I know I’m pretty lucky in that I’ve found a solid group of folks that I can talk about work with one minute, and go dancing at the club with the next. I really wish I didn’t have to wait until I was this far along in the program before having that support system, but I’m happy to have found them now, nonetheless.
On another tip, I always wonder about others who I see as loners or as having only friends “on the outside.” While I definitely wish I had more friends here that weren’t absorbed by grad school minutiae as I am, I do wonder what it’s like to only be around other people that have no idea what you do all day. Just trying to explain to family a fraction of what I do is exhausting, how would I try to do it with all of my friends? Talking to many friends and family who haven’t been through a PhD program, I’m constantly being asked when I’m going to finish, as if it’s just a matter of taking a test or writing a term paper between me and my degree. When I explain that I’m busy right now because of qualifying exams, my family looks very confused– why have I spent months studying for “just one test”? I’m lucky in that for my friends here, I don’t have to do that translation work, and have support for what’s going on right now in my grad school career. At the same time, I really miss my after-work happy hour crew, or being able to take off any Friday night to sing karaoke or grabbing a fancy meal– those definitely aren’t typical moments when all of us grad students are overworked, underpaid, and just overwhelmed and unable to tear ourselves away from our work.
I’m rambling a bit, I’m sure. It’s been a long day of work, and thankfully, I’ve also done today a lot of catching up with friends I haven’t been able to see very much of during this stupid quals process. Seeing them just made me think about grad school friendship in general…
What have you all experienced, fellow academics? How’s grad school been treating you lately?
I am totally with you on this. I have a hard time, too, because I (thought I) had so many close friends during my MFA. They were all PhD students, so they’re either still at my old school finishing up, or finished and out in the world of jobs and such, and I never hear from them anymore. My cohort was only 3 people, and 2 of them bonded really well and left me out (as the only “Other” one, since I’m queer and disabled etc etc etc not that they would say that’s why). The people I am close with are the only other queer people in the department and I’ve decided recently not to waste time cultivating friendships with people who make me feel shitty about myself, but that has apparently made me come across as an asshole to others.
This year, my last year of course work, I’m so insanely busy I barely have any time to eat and sleep, much less socialize, and I always wonder how some people can get anything done when I have the same workload and feel overloaded. I’ve even been chastised by one student who’s a mom and said as a single woman who’s childless I have no excuse for not attending every single event and meeting since she’s way busier and still makes it work. The antagonism and competition makes it hard to be friends. And the other people I connect with are the older folks who are almost done with the program.
It’s rough, just as you describe.